My Thoughts For Utah Women

For the people who know me or have been following my blog for more than a year and a half know that I am not from Utah. I have only lived here for a short time. I grew up on the east Coast, mostly in Maine. Moving to here from there is somewhat like moving to a different country. My husband and I moved here after living in Kansas for 5 years and living in the north east previously. My husband grew up here and that is what has brought us to this great state.

I am writing my opinions about Utah women not to hurt any feelings, but because I  think you (women from Utah) are a lot better than you realize. My sister in law, who has grown up and still lives here wrote:

The pressure of perfection. We live (well I do, and most readers on this blog do too) in Utah. and I have to say, Utah is a great place. I love it (besides winter! booo!) and I love the great family values that are in utah. However....because my neighbor on one side can have 6 kids and be completely calm, and has never faught with her husband, and her house is always clean, and she makes meals from scratch 3 times a day, and never seems worn out....as a new mom I feel like something is wrong with me. I have one kid, and it's all I can do to not bawl my eyes out. what's wrong with me? Or now that I have 2 kids, I can't have a clean house AND a meal on the table. it's one or the other hub, pick one. That makes me feel like there is something wrong. (not ME personally, just in general) We have great examples of motherhood all around us, but instead of looking to them as just that: examples - we look to them as ideal. perfect. we need to be everything that they are. When the truth is, the majority of moms that are open about things will admit that the reason their house looks perfect everytime you go over is because they cleaned it 15 minutes before they knew you were giong to show up. Any mother with toddlers knows her house isn't perfect all the time. But i think we all feel like, at some point in our mothering, that pressure of that our house should be perfect.

I have found that to be true only in Utah.  Neighbors look at each other and other women at church and stress and work hard to be all just alike-- that perfect Utah woman! I have seen amazing women feel intimidated and spend a whole lot of time on image. It stuns me to walk into Wal-mart and see young mothers with perfect hair,  and make-up and wearing designer clothes. They are toting along children that look like they came out of a catalog. There is nothing wrong with this, except that as I got to know some of these designer women shopping in Wal-mart, I realized that they are seriously stressed about little things. In fact, most of them seem afraid of not appearing "perfect". 

Utah women seem to be in a constant state of worry. They worry about messy houses, messy hair, not getting dressed and putting on make up every morning, their bodies not being fit and thin enough. They worry about not being the perfect wife with a gourmet meal on the table when their husbands come home. They worry if they slip and yell at a child that they are not good mothers. I think that most women here expect themselves to have perfectly clean and beautifully decorated houses; to have perfectly smart, behaved, and beautiful looking children whom they always speak to in a soft kind voice; to have a beautifully fit body, clean designer clothes, and to always have perfect hair and make up; to have gourmet food ready for hubby at 6pm each night; to be very spiritual, loving, and do amazing things with their callings at church; and of course to bring homemade tofu, eggplant chip cookies that taste like gramma's chocolate chip cookies each day to some one in need.


At first, I was very intimidated by these women. I know without a doubt that I do not match up to the "perfect woman".  I yell at my kids on occasion. I look kind of dumpy, I put my hair in a pony tail and only wear mascara most days. My kids have stains on their clothes, and my house has toys and books every where almost all of the time. I know I do not exercise enough and I eat junk food. My kids eat junk food. I don't have gourmet dinners on the table every night. I don't always have enough energy to be a smiling mom serving my neighbors, and my family would kill me if I tried serving tofu, eggplant cookies. And some days we actually watch like 3 hours of TV because we are sick or just plain old need a lazy day. But guess what? I do not stress about it. If I yell at my kids, I apoligize and try to be kinder and nicer. Hopefully some day, I will be the perfectly calm nice mom. Right now, I think it is good as long as I am trying.In fact, most of my life I have felt like a pretty good Mom. After living in Utah for a year and a half I know that I am surrounded by a lot of very good mothers and women who are doing a great job at being good mothers and women. This is how I know.

When I was a "rookie mom", I got fed the opposite diet from Utah rookie moms. It was easy to feel good about myself as a mom because I wasn't yelling at my kids in the park or spanking their bums in the grocery store. I reserved that for home. I wasn't leaving them with a babysitter 12 hours a day and then getting them McDonald's everyday for dinner. I also wasn't the one saying out loud to my friends how terrible my kid was because he pooped and I couldn't get to the salon on time. I also wasn't saying out loud in front of my kids that I just had an abortion because I was sure I could not stand another one of these kids messing up my life. (All of these things I have heard and witnessed-- no exaggeration) I wasn't smoking, or drinking or showing my kids violent and sexually explicit movies. I actually felt like a pretty good mom.

Utah moms are pretty darn good too. I never hear yelling parents in public, people aren't belittling their kids to their friends, and no one works so much they feed their kids fast food before they send them to bed nearly everyday. Most moms here are careful about what they let their kids read and watch, and they do not smoke, drink, and swear with their kids hanging around. Utah is filled full of good, wonderful women trying to be the best they can. So if you are a Utah woman feeling pretty down that you have a messy home, or blah hair, or you don't like to cook, or you just yelled at your kid, or you don't get dressed everyday, or you just ate 3 bowls of ice cream and haven't exercised in a month. CHILL-- YOU ARE AMAZING! You do not have to be perfect.