I have been struggling with my feelings lately. I am 23weeks pregnant with my eighth child. When this baby is born, we will have 4 girls and 4 boys. I think that is perfect and I am done. I have the big family that I wanted, and now I want to be done. I want to get to that point where, I only have one or 2 little children at home and no more on the way. I want to be able to lose weight and strengthen my body and know that that will not be ruined by yet another pregnancy. But there is a quiet voice in the back of my head that is telling me I may regret it if I stop my family now. My body, minus my bladder, is very healthy. I know that I could physically handle another pregnancy. I just don't want to.
In many ways, I have been hoping for God to tell me, "You are done. This is enough." I have not had those feelings. I have asked to have them, but hey have not come. I think that if we stop now, God will still be pleased with what we have done in bearing children and multiplying and replenishing the earth, but I also think God would be happy to send us another child or two.
When thinking about this topic, I really struggle. I think about John's youngest sister, Rebecca. She is the ninth child in their family and just a light and a joy to everyone. I love and adore, Becca. She is 22 or 23 or something, a good little mother and wife with her own two little children. When she shows up at family events they are so much better. Becca is just friendly and caring and fun. John's mom's health was not good when she conceived Rebecca, but she had her in faith knowing that there was one more girl to come to their family. I really doubt John's family would be as fun and as nice as it is without Becca. Then I think, do I risk missing one more bit of joy and sunshine in my life because I want to be done having kids and to have a healthy fit body, or do I suffer being tired and emotional through one more pregnancy while facing the same questions yet again.
I honestly, do not know which path John and I will choose. I want to be done. I want to not be pregnant again. But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I missed out on a lovely child because I refused to be pregnant one more time. Of course, being pregnant now, I am a lot more emotional. Maybe everything will be clearer in a year from now, and I will know for sure what to do. But for now, I find myself struggling with these feelings most days.
6 comments:
I know those feelings and I wish that I had a good answer for you. When both of Rob's older sisters got a surprise when they were nearing 40 all I could think was, "I don't want that to happen to me!!!" But what would we do without those sweet kids? I guess all we can do is pray and trust in the Lord.
All I can say is good luck in your decision. One blessing is that you don't have to decide now, really, so you can let the feelings you have over the next year or so guide you.
You're a wonderful mother doing a great job.
wow, you are really nice. I am not as nice as you make me sound. haha. Just ask Emily. ;) jk. As for the number of kids thing, I think you will know. Maybe it's one of those things that He is just letting you decide. sometimes not getting a "No" or "Yes" is him saying "you deicide." I am sure you are right that he will be pleased with you either way. You are a great mom, and so it doesn't surprise me that he wants you to have a bunch of kiddos. he knows they will be good kids thanks to your efforts.
Boy, can I relate right now! I'm going through the same thing and I'm only on #5-- but my health is really bad this time. I appreciate you sharing your feelings so candidly-- it helps me process my own.
It is up to you... You have done extremely well with your family... and Heavenly Father did give us free agency... If you don't want to do it again, don't. If he prompts you that another spirit is waiting to come to your family... then... it's still your choice but obedience is best.
Try not to think about it until awhile after you have your new little baby. Pregnancy is rotten, but those cute little babies sure are cute. Give yourself some time and try to enjoy this pregnancy as one of your last and enjoy it for the miracle it truly is. Good luck-- you'll be fine!!
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