Finding Space for Christopher

We named him Christopher Ezra because he was born so close to Christmas and I know his spirit will help lead us closer to Christ and after Ezra Taft Benson, the prophet who I spent much time studying this last year and feeling his influence and guidance just as we will now have Christopher's influence and guidance.

This last week, I have been wondering where Christopher fits into my life. He is my baby, yet he is not here. He is part of my family, yet I am the only one who ever had a physical connection to him. My husband and some of the children have had a spiritual connection to him. We feel like he is a part of our family. I am grateful that he is very much a part of who we are and while I think that will fade over time, I am glad that the rest of my family has accepted his life, birth, and death.When I say we have four boys, one of the kids will correct me and say we have five.

We have two unique aspects to our big family that little Christopher has and would have kept. First, my kids have come in an unusual and complete pattern. There has been born a girl, a girl, a boy, a boy, a girl, a girl, a boy, a boy, a girl, a girl, and now a boy who will not be joining us in this life. Second, our birthdays are spread through out the year. Our biggest gap left to fill was the 2.5 months between Rachel's birthday at the beginning of April and Susan's birthday in the middle of June. Christopher was due to be born on May 11th, perfectly filling in that gap. I know it is a little thing and a silly thing, but I mourn not having that spot filled. I think that little aspect of the pregnancy that I was personally excited about will make mid May all the more bitter for now.

Even before I knew I was having a stillborn, I had a conversation with John about the possibility. I knew then, that I would not tell people that I have 11 children if he were to die. I knew I would not want to explain that I have 10 living and one that only made it to 21 weeks gestation. Yet he was born. I had labor. I held him. I had to fill out a death certificate for him and find a way to take care of his dead little body to satisfy legal requirements. His short life, his birth, and death were very much like the birth of my living children-- the connection I had to his body and his spirit were very tangible.

I want to honor him, but I do not want to have to explain his part in our family more than I already have. I want to let it rest, and go on, while allowing the little bit I had of his life to linger in my heart.

My friend Cheryl, made the picture of footprints in the sand at the beach with his name and birthdate on it. She printed it and sent a framed copy to me. I have put that on the mantle next to our large family photo. I am grateful to have that display of his part in our lives. I feel like it puts him where he is-- a part of our family, but not here with us in this life. I have a homemade blanket and some clothes he was wrapped in. I have 2 precious necklaces sent to me from some dear friends and one other homemade blanket that I have placed in a keepsake box next to his urn. I have decided that there is one more way I want to honor him. I am going to add him to the sidebar of this blog where I keep the current portraits of all of my other children. I thought I would not do that, but I find that as time goes on, I want him there, and I think he wants me to put him there.

From the very, very beginning, I felt Christopher's spirit. He spoke to me from time to time. I had a very tangible spiritual connection with him. The month before I got pregnant, he came to me and told me it was his turn and he was that little boy I had been waiting for. Of course, we were in the midst of the beginning of the most difficult time of our life. We were selling our home. John's job had not paid him anything for months. We did not have enough food, or at least not as much as we are used to eating. It did not make sense to have a baby. But I knew from my scripture reading that Heavenly Father does not worry about those things. The Lord gave Lehi and Sariah, Jacob and Joseph while they were on an 8 year journey through the wilderness, and in such danger for their lives, they did not even dare to start a fire to cook their meat. So I did not hesitate. If Lehi was gifted two righteous sons in his circumstances, I shouldn't complain or begrudge a child in our much more prosperous circumstances.

The pregnancy continued to be a part of our most difficult time. We sold our house and moved not really knowing what would happen. We spent two of our hardest months ever living at my families desperately hoping for a change and having one thing after another fall through. For the first time since I was 20, I struggled with depression. (I was much better at it this time around, but I knew what it was.) For the first time ever, I had to worry about depression in my children.

And then, near the end of those two hard months, things suddenly and unexpectedly turned around. John did not get a job, but we were very kindly offered a home. Through inspiration two weeks earlier, I got us a vacation home on the beach for Christmas. The beach was healing and necessary and just what we needed to prepare us for the loss of Christopher.

When I was 19 weeks along in the pregnancy and felt concern because my once obviously growing belly was not really growing anymore, I would often hear Christopher's voice in my head saying, "It's okay, mom. I am here." While I was giving birth to his dead body, I heard those same words.

It is not okay in the way I wanted it to be, and Christopher is not here in the way I wanted him to be here, but he is a part of who we are as a family. He is our angel, and I know he will be here influencing us and watching over us.