I am going to address another hot topic that brings with it a lot of controversy and emotions: stay at home moms verses working moms. We are constantly being told not to judge other's choices in this matter, and that both options have their benefits. While I agree that we must be kind, tolerant, and respectful, I do not agree that both choices are equal.
Let's be honest-- daycare providers will never be a good substitute for a parent. I live near a home daycare and one home daycare that just closed. I have had several friends over the years who have done home daycare to bring in a little extra income. I have often thought about doing a home daycare as we have very often been poor. The people who I know who do home daycare are kind, loving people who take good care of the children in their charge. But, it is their job. They do not love these children with even a dribble of the intensity that their mothers love them. When the children leave in the evening, the daycare providers are glad to see them go. They are glad to have their own time with their own families. They do not miss these children. Like anyone else, they look forward to their vacation time away from their job. Home daycare is their job. It is not their love.
As more and more children who have been raised in the daycare system have grown into adults, we can clearly see how it has affected them, and it hasn't resulted in a bunch of happy, independent, hard working stable adults. There is a reason people are saying, "thirty is the new twenty."
8 comments:
Thank you!!! I love this so so so much!
Thank you so much! I have been following your blog for a few years now and love how you speak your mind. There is great talk by president Hinkley on this very thing. I used to feel the need to justify myself as to why I stay home with my children but now I don't even bother. I live in Melbourne Australia and here even within the church it is normal to send your children to day care even when you are still at home!
I totally agree! Love love this! You put it so well!
Oh jeez. You can't really be serious. You don't know me--I ended up here through some blog hopping-- but this is ridiculous. My mom worked while I was growing up. She had a college degree and used it. My parents were and are amazing. I can only hope to parent as well as them. And my parents taught us that education was a must. And every kid in my family graduated college.
In fact, most of my friends' moms worked, too. Do you know where we ended up? At the top of our class academically. And most of us have graduate degrees now. And we are healthy--mentally, emotionally, and physically. We have healthy families.
I work out of the home. Many of my close girl friends work out of the home. And do you know what? Our kids are thriving. And there is no lack of love. And our families are tight. And our daycare providers (some group providers, some in-home, some family) are wonderful. And they love our children. Sure, they are more than happy to send our kids home at the end of the day. That does not mean they don't love them. My daycare provider cries when a family stops needing her. They are her children, too. (And since we're on the subject, every stay-at-home mother I know is more than happy to hand her kids over to her husband at the end of the day. That doesn't mean they aren't loved.)
I love the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. It is difficult. It is rewarding. I stayed home for a period of time and plan to do so again at some point. And working full time is difficult. And it is rewarding. I know. I did it for years. And working part time and being home part time is difficult. And it is rewarding. I know because I do it now.
Let's stop pretending our choices are better than other people's choices.
I'm not sure what you mean by "all choices are not equal." Of course they aren't.
But thankfully we get to make our own. And we aren't obligated to justify them to anyone else. And even when we make the wrong choice we are entitled to grace and not condemnation.
I'm not going to even touch the daycare thing because I think it was a broad (even incorrect) generalization that lacked compassion for any of your readers presently utilizing child care.
I hope you reconsider your position and consider the possibility that you have misjudged mothers, fathers and child care providers.
You do not know me, but I have been reading your blog for about a year and admire your dedication as a mother. I agree that not all choices are equal. However, I do not believe a mother working is necessarily a poor choice. Many of your blogs illustrate that you are a very smart and compassionate lady, and I am completely baffled by the judgment you pass in this post. It did not occur to you that there may be any number of reasons why a mother working may be the best choice for a family?
A family consists of several people, including TWO parents. Do you believe you are the better caregiver for your children and that there is no way your husband could possible do what you do? If so, that is both insulting to your husband and arrogent of you. To think that a woman having a career means she must leave her children with unloving strangers is fairly narrow minded as well. There are many situations where a woman works and children are cared for by their father, their grandparents, very or other very loving caregivers. I have a grandmother that is a retired nurse, another that is a retired teacher of the deaf, and a mother that is a retired lab tech. None of them used daycare. They and their husband balanced both of their careers and their families together. None of them worked because they needed the money (both my grandfathers and my father made plenty), and none of them worked because they were selfish mothers that wanted to get away from their children. They worked because their jobs added to who they were as people, and made them better mothers. That was what worked for them to be the best mothers they felt they could be. You telling them they would have been better mothers to stay home is as absurd as someone telling you that you would be a better mother if you got out of the house and political blogs, and put yourself more into the real world so you could relate better to the world your children will enter. How offensive would that be? You know yourself and you know what makes you the best mom you can be, assuming that what you need to do as a mother is what everyone should do is ridiculous.
When my husband and I started our family we both had very successful careers. We sat down together and decided what the best situation for our family would be. I enjoyed my job more than my husband, it is more secure than his career and I am visually impaired so do not see well enough to drive. It made sense for him to be the one at home to drive to doctors, school, etc. My husband resigned his job. He has changed diapers, played dolly, kissed boo boo's and loved them every bit as much as I do. He also works in his own consulting business that has grown over the years. I guess he also couldn't be selfless enough to dedicate himself to our children. On the contrary, him having his job to focus on as well has made him a much more patient and relaxed father.
It is not my personal opinion, but some people feel very strongly that it is irresponsible for people to have large families. They feel that by doing so the children are put in unfair situations of having to take on too much adult responsibility at too young of an age or that the parents do not have the time needed to invest in each child. They would say that parents that have large families do so for selfish reasons rather than thinking of what is best for their children. It is just as wrong for you to expect others to feel the way you do about working mothers, as it would be to expect you to feel the way these people do about large families.
Once again, I do agree that not every choice is equal. Some choices are clearly wrong. However, it is equally as naive to assume that there is one right choice for every family. I answer "yes" when my little girls ask me if they can grow up to be an animal doctor, travel the world and have babies. I have no intentions of telling my oldest daughter that she is going to have to choose between her desire to have her own babies or her passion to be a baby doctor and help sick babies that are born too little.
To: MichelleMomandMore
I got the idea of writing this from a mother who was talking about how much her daycare provider loves her children. I was astonished that she could make herself believe that a daycare provider would have feelings for her children equal to her own.
I knew when I wrote this people would be offended. Other's people's offense or success with daycare will not change my mind on what I believe is a principle of truth that little children need to spend the bulk of their time in their formative years with someone who loves them enough to give their life for them. Having spent plenty of time volunteering in schools and seeing children from all sorts of family settings only confirms to me these beliefs.
My objection is absolutely to leaving children with a daycare provider, particularly between birth and school age. I certainly feel differently about a father or grandparents.
As a mother of many, I have heard all of those objections to big families and more. Parents of many children get more harassment than most other people for any other reason or choice. We hear it anytime we take any number of our kids to any public place. Tolerance may be the talk of the day, but their is very little tolerance parents of many.
"Little children need to spend the bulk of their time in their formative years with someone who loves them enough to give their life for them" is a statement I agree with. In my mind the above statement is not the same as "stay at home moms verses working moms. We are constantly being told not to judge other's choices in this matter, and that both options have their benefits. While I agree that we must be kind, tolerant, and respectful, I do not agree that both choices are equal." The latter definitely implies that being a working mom is a bad choice, which it sounds like was not your intention.
I, like you, live in Utah and my little girls are continually being told that there is a particular family life that they should plan for, by teachers, other parents, church people and complete strangers. I see many young mothers frustrated that this perfect family has not turned out the way they expected. Rather, I would prefer my girls be taught to be flexible and willing to accept that their family may have to function a little different based on what is best for the entire family. My girls should be willing to work if their family needs them to. They should have the option to work if they have a passion that they are drawn to and talents they feel could benefit society. They should not feel that they are failures as women because they are not staying home. And I believe you can do these things without sacrificing what is best for your children, putting them first in all you do, and loving them and parenting them the best you can.
My intent on bringing up criticisms of large families was not to be judgmental of you, but to illustrate that different things work for different families and that is okay. Although I come from a larger family and admire my mother's patience and hard work, I know that a big family is not best for me. It is better for people to understand themselves and their spouse and make choices for their family based on who they are, rather than try to aspire to some idea of perfect that has been put upon them by others since they could barely walk. I read your blog because I find it fascinating that you can handle the chaos of a large family and do it well, and often I take some of your parenting ideas :).
If your intended post was to be about daycare for small children, that is not the main point that this reader originally received. Not sure there is any evidence of that leading to the problems in young adults we are seeing. My personal opinion is that it is parents that have children and then choose not to parent them but let them just "grow up" without much guidance. This lack of parenting happens with both children that stay home with a parent and children in daycare.
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