What Works

I wanted to write down some of the ideas for discipline or rather ideas to promote changes in my children's behavior that have actually worked. First,  I'd have to say that my natrual inclination to yell, nag, and spank don't work long term. The tend to give us an immediate change, but make things worse over time.

Here are a few ideas that we have been pleased with because they seem to have made more permenant changes.

When we moved here, Adam began acting out a lot. He would yell in anger when he didn't get what he wanted, and he was being physically more aggressive with his brother and sisters, and making huge messes for no reason. After a couple weeks of saying, "Adam, why are you being so bad?"  or "you are a bad boy." We turned things around and started saying, "Adam, you are a good boy." Every time we noticed him doing something right we told him he was good for doing that. When we saw him acting up we said things like, "Good boys say sorry and you are a good boy." "Good boys help clean up their messes." etc..  Well, it really worked. After about a week Adam started saying, "I am a good boy." He hasn't made a huge mess since then without cleaning it up himself. He does his chores without screaming, he is not getting angry when I say he cannot have or do something, and he is not hitting his sisters anymore.

Ruth and Kate began picking on each other and fighting again. They had been pretty contentious-free for a while. But a couple of weeks ago, they started picking on each other, hitting, and yelling. One morning when I saw Ruth grab a toy angrily out of Kate's hand and defend herself by saying, "It is mine and she took it without asking." I said, "So Ruth, does that mean when I take Dad's laptop and use it without asking him first, he should come in, grab it angrily out my hands and yell at me for taking something that is his?" Ruth and Kate thought about this. (I knew that they would cry if they saw an exchange like that between their parents.) This illustration helped them realize the ridiculousness of their actions and we haven't had trouble with them sharing since. However, they were playing a game and breaking the rules and pushing each other down. John said to me, "They keep hitting each other. What should we do?" I said, "okay, Ruth and Kate we will make a deal with you. If you get to hit each other when you are upset and angry then Dad and I get to hit each other when we are upset and angry." Of course they said, no way. But the point is, they are old enough to understand that this is just unacceptable behavior. They have the ability to reason and to chose right and wrong. I was able to help them to see this a little more clearly, and they haven't hit for some time. I suspect we will have to keep reminding them over time, but it is working. Along the same lines, we remind them that their mom and dad's best friends are our brothers and sisters. There are no other adults besides each other and our families that we spend a lot of time with. We have told Ruth and Kate that they are and should be best friends. They really have taken that seriously. They sit together on the bus and eat together at lunch and play together at recess. This really does work for children who are a little older.

Johnny had been telling Adam that he is really stupid and behind for his age and that he doesn't do anything right etc. I thought about this for a while and realized that when I was a little kid it really did bother me if my sisters and brother weren't doing as well as I thought they should. I can honestly say that I wanted my younger siblings to be smart and to do well. So I said to Johnny, "Do you really want Adam to be dumb? Do you think you will feel happy if he is having a hard time learning?" Johnny said, "Oh. No." So I said, "Well, if he doesn't know something that you think he should know, then why don't you teach him." That worked, Johnny has been teaching Adam how to add and how to spell different words and how to play board, card, and ball games. Now Adam has been coming to me and saying. "Johnny and I are buddies," in a very happy voice.