The Truth about Me

It seems to me that from people's commentary they have a very mistaken idea of who I really am. People seem to think that I am a really good mom who does a lot on very little sleep. Well, for about the first 7 weeks after Anya was born I was getting very little sleep. But Anya has been sleeping from 10:30pm until between 4am and 7am since she was 2months. (She is just over 3 months now). So I can actually get plenty of sleep if I go to bed early enough. But I usually don't go to bed before midnight so I only get between 5 and 7 hours of sleep. But that is still very do-able.

Now as far as me being a really good mom. That is just plain old not true. I lose my temper and yell way too much. I make my kids do a chore if they shout a lot in the house, but I am still too lazy to walk to find some one I need, and just shout for that person across the house. When some one spills anything, I just about flip out. I amaze myself at how little control I can have when one of my kids dumps a bowl of cereal on themselves. My first instinct in dealing with my kids when they are screaming about something is to give them a big old smack on the bottom and tell them to shut up. Thankfully I usually have more control than that. But I think it is scary at how little sympathy I have for a kid who has just fallen down. When my kids are sick I think "gross germs" and "I don't want to deal with this" instead of "my poor little baby, I want to help you and hold you and make you feel better".

Here is a good illustration of how bad I really am: A couple of weeks ago Rachel went through the house and in the space of about half an hour dumped books off from every book shelf, broke some of Ruth and Kate's things, and drew on the walls in three different places just before dinner. I was ANGRY!!! I put her in time out. I started cleaning up and Johnny would not stop talking to me about Zelda and I yelled, "JUST SHUT UP AND DO YOUR CHORE!" That got John's attention and he asked why Johnny needed to be yelled at. Then I just felt more angry. Ruth and Kate started complaining about having to pick up messes that were not theirs, Rachel and Anya were both sitting in chairs screaming and then I saw another enitre shelf of books completely dumped out at the bottom of the steps and I lost it. I grabbed Rachel, spanked her and started yelling at her to put the books back on the shelf. John came at that point told me that I was out of control, and took Rachel away. So then I was even more angry and yelled at John to stop talking to me and said that I would leave if he did not. At this point Ruth and Kate started crying and holding onto my legs. John then pointed out how horribly I was behaving, and said that he was going to take the kids out until I calmed down. Well, I grabbed the crying baby and said I better feed her. Then John and the other kids left. I felt like crap, fed the baby and cried and cried and thought that I would have to move away from my family while I cleaned the whole messy house and made dinner. John came back later and we fed the kids and put them to bed. I painted with Kate because I had already promised her that I would and then cleaned all of the bathrooms and went to bed with out talking to John. The next day John asked why I was mad at him. I thought that he took the kids out because he thought that I was just a terrible mother. He apparently took them out because he thought I needed a break. So as everyone can see, I AM NOT A GOOD MOM. I can even be a very bad mom.

Most days I try to shoot for ordinary mom, and I pray that I do not ruin my kids.

Now some people may think I am a good mom because I am fairly organized, but that is because I don't like chaos (as illustrated in the very embarrassing terrible story) I can clean the floors and paint walls right after a baby is born and put a belt back on my washing machine because I cannot stand to get behind in chores. I think that just means I am psychotic. I happen to know a few other moms who feel the way I do about getting behind so I feel justified. But John is always begging me to take a break and to let ht house get messy. Oh well, I know it is weird, but I feel more sane if my bed is made and there are no dishes in the sink.

That is the truth about me.