I Am Starting to Wonder...

if I know what causes it. The night, I woke up with the burnt apple crisp, I couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking, "my period should have started 2 or 3 days ago." For me, that is a BIG deal.  I remembered that I had a pregnancy test (expired?) from one and a half years ago when I bought a duel package to test for Joshua's pregnancy. So at 4 am, when I couldn't sleep, and was shocked that I had to "go" for a second time that night, I closed myself into the bathroom, and took that test. At first, I breathed a sigh if relief-- one pink stripe. I set the test down and cleaned up. As I was leaving the bathroom, I glanced at it again, and there were two very bright pink stripes.

What????? I thought we were suppose to wait this time. We were using condemns. I start to wonder, "Other people have asked me, but do I know what causes this?"

I wasn't going back to sleep. I went downstairs to pray, to think, and to read. Then I crept back into to bed, asked my sleeping husband if he was awake (Duh?) and then told him my little story. Now, my sleeping husband was awake.

Three days before this, I had some spotting. (I thought my period would be bugging me the next day.) The day after, I had a lot of cramping. Maybe, this will be a miscarriage? I have had spotting and cramping with a miscarriage and with a full pregnancy. I don't feel particularly sick. But I have had sick pregnancies and non sick pregnancies. I never felt sick with my two miscarriages. It's too early to tell.

How am I feeling? Well, I know without a doubt this is the will of the Lord. And THAT is comforting. If I have a baby about 18 to 19 months after Joshua, I know that is the will of the Lord. If I have a miscarriage, I know that the Lord wanted me to go through that at this time.

I also feel humbled that the Lord would entrust another little soul to me at this time. I feel anxious about how we can even possibly pay for this baby. I feel tired just thinking about 9 months of another pregnancy. I feel sad that I will not be able to go to girls camp with Ruth and Kate. I feel sorry that I finally lost my 20 pounds that I wanted too, and was hoping to tackle the last 10. I feel like well, I am 36 and my biological clock is ticking. This may be my last opportunity. I feel like I can do what the Lord requires.

I know, as with every pregnancy, I need to trust in the Lord and His plan for our family. So I will. The entire day after the burnt apple crisp night, the words from Come, Come Ye Saints kept coming to mind.

Why should we mourn,

Or think our lot is hard?

Tis not so.

All is right.

Why should we think

To earn a great reward?

If we now,

Shun the fight.

Gird up your loins,

Fresh courage take,

Our God will never us forsake.

And soon we'll have,

This tale to tell. 

All is well,

All is well.