Thoughts on Changing Behavior

Before I had children, I thought that I was doing pretty well on the path to perfection. For instance, I never lost my temper with anyone. I really felt like I loved everyone and had general goodwill towards my fellowmen.

Then Ruth turned two. While I was checking out our books, Ruth followed another family out of the public library onto one of the busier roads in Ann Arbor, MI.  I was terrified and furious! On the way home in the car, I found myself yelling. (I hadn't done that since I was quite a bit younger.) I realized that I was not immuned to anger like I thought I was.

At that point in time, changing my behavior became a real issue. I yelled. I got angry. I felt like I had slipped down quite a bit on the path. At the same point in time. Changing the behavior of my children became a consistent issue as well. Parenthood had given me something new to work out.

So all these 12-ish years later, I still have to work (mostly on a daily basis) on my temper. Kids just do that to you. And I still have to work (mostly on a daily basis) on my children's behavior. Kids just do that to you too.


I wanted to list a few things, that I have found that work, and a few things that do not.

1. Daily rewards for good behavior. Sounds good. Psychologists even support this idea. I have found that it hardly ever works for any long term change. We can make this work well for potty training, but that is about it. Why? Because, myself or my kids work for the reward. When the reward is gone, we quit and we are back to where we started. We had this happen a few years back. If our kids did everything they were suppose to for family prayer, we gave them a piece of candy. After three months of perfect prayer behavior, we stopped giving candy. The kids immediately stopped behaving for family prayer. It just plain old doesn't work.
2. One big reward at the end of a long period of changed behavior. This works. It seems to give one enough time to really change a bad habit or get into a good habit. For example, one summer we all worked on one habit change for a trip to an amusement park. This worked, and better habits were formed.Right now, Rachel cannot spend her Christmas money until she doesn't pinch for 30 days. At this point (21 days of no pinching) I would have to say a habit has been changed. Rachel no longer seems to think, "You are bugging me, I must pinch you."
3. Teaching doctrine rather than behavior. Teaching the gospel, daily personal and family scripture reading work wonders! Once when Ruth was acting rather angry about some of our house rules. I said nothing about her behavior. I just gave her a few conference talks to read. She read them, and that was the end of the anger. For me, daily scripture reading means the difference between a calm voice and a loud voice.
4. Nagging over a long period of time. It doesn't work. One just feels picked on. In fact, I think this can even produce the opposite affect that you want it to. But it sure is easy to do.
5. Time outs. This works well for little kids, especially if you do it consistently for the same thing over a long period. I do this for temper tantrums, and I have had great success for everyone of my kids. It works terribly for older kids. Time out is a reward for anyone about 9 and older. Never send a teenager to their room. 
6. Chores. This seems to really help with long term behavior change. When I have a teenager that is throwing 2 year old fits all over again, making them work, works wonders. It helps me too. If I am frustrated or angry, a lot of house work calms me down and helps me to be sane. This also works well for the 3 or 4 year throwing a fit, but is harder for a parent to follow through.
7. Talking about behavior. For bad habits, this works about as well as nagging. Pointing out behaviors that makes one happy versus behaviors that makes one miserable before a bad habit is formed seems to help. I will know more about that as my children grow older.

What are some of your ideas for changing behavior?