I think he might be able to write for the Babylon Bee, or better yet, start his own satire news co.
Why the classics are crap.
The great scientist Darwin proved the theory of evolution. Which theory states that we were once unintelligent monkeys. Then after a long time we became more evolved, our bodies developed to be more convenient. We started becoming more intelligent, we learned new things, we created new things, and eventually we invented writing. Our writing at the time was primitive, and was done by carving on the walls of caves. Eventually we created clay tablets that we carved on. We kept on advancing with the creation of papyrus and other forms of writing. And eventually we invented the paper and the pen. Many books were written with this form of writing. Then many more with the invention of the typewriter, And finally the greatest and most advanced form of writing the computer. Just like the ways to write evolved, our writings themselves did too. Many books with primitive ideas were written with paper and ink, and clay tablets, and less advanced forms of writing. For example the bible, this primitive writing claims there is a god. Now science proves that there is clearly no such thing. It was a silly idea for a more primitive time, just like any other superstition. We have finally made ourselves rid of these primitive ideas and primitive writings. Of course we can never become fully rid of these, there will always exist idiots who stick to old primitive idiocies. Although there are still some primitive idiots around, we as a species have evolved. The old classics like Shakespeare and Dickens are beneath us. This explains why so many of our generation don’t understand these writings. Just like I don’t understand the moo of a cow or the bock bock of a chicken. I don’t understand the writings of Dickens. Most think this is because they were smarter than us. But the truth is we are smarter than them. In my opinion these old writers should be treated no greater than a monkey. Not only did they not understand psychology like we did, they didn’t understand grammar like we did. Here is an example from an old book written by Victor Hugo published 1862.
“So long as there shall exist, by virtue of law and custom, decrees of damnation pronounced by society, artificially creating hells amid the civilization of earth, and adding the element of human fate to divine destiny; so long as the three great problems of the century—the degradation of man through pauperism, the corruption of woman through hunger, the crippling of children through lack of light—are unsolved; so long as social asphyxia is possible in any part of the world;—in other words, and with a still wider significance, so long as ignorance and poverty exist on earth, books of the nature of Les Misérables cannot fail to be of use.”
This is a very long run-on-sentence. There is no reason why a sentence cannot be short and has to be long. This sentence is really a paragraph. But for some reason they couldn’t put in periods. And not only that, it feels like it’s written in a different language. Who can understand this? Just like we cannot understand a primitive being like a monkey when it talks. We cannot understand a primitive being like Victor Hugo when he writes. Many sentences like this existed with those primitive writings. Sentences that were ungrammatical and nonsensical were throughout old primitive books. In my opinion these so-called classics are damaging to society. They introduce old primitive ideas that we have left behind as a species. If we continue to pamper and hold to these primitive writings, it will postpone and damage our continual evolution as a species. We must abandon these old writings. To hold onto them is like holding onto to living in caves. It was a primitive idea that was useful when we were still like monkeys. When we advanced past monkeys we learned to use tents. Then we learned to build houses. And the creation of houses led us to create new useful structures. We must abandon these old writings like when we abandoned tents. If we never abandoned them we would still be nomads. And if we don’t abandon these old books we will never advance further.
Dr Joseph. PHD
